10 Things Pastors Never Want to Hear

10 Things Pastors Never

 Want to Hear

By Summer Stevens

Stop saying these things to our beloved

 

After an especially emotionally taxing message one Sunday, my husband was shaking hands and greeting people at the door. On the way out, one gentleman said to him, “I just heard the same message this week on the radio, same stories and everything! Do you buy your sermons somewhere?” He was stunned, having never purchased a sermon in his life, and he’d found all his own original illustrations that week to fit the message. All he could do was stammer a “no” as the man left for the parking lot, the wind knocked out of his sails. And then tried to put on a smiling face for the next person in line, who had just heard the entire conversation.

Here are 10 things you never want to say to your pastor:

1. “You only work one day a week.” Every pastor has heard this, either with a joking elbow to the ribs, or from a sincere patron who really believes it. But this comment stings, especially since most pastors struggle to take even one day off a week.

2. “You weren’t preaching that sermon to me, were you?” There are two ways this comment can be made. The first one is an encouraging, “I really needed to hear that and it was like you were preaching right to me!” The second comes from someone who felt convicted and therefore angry that his pastor would dare bring up any of his shortcomings. This is one of the reasons you come to church, right? If you are closed to God’s working in your heart, then you are probably coming to church for the wrong reasons.

3. “We are all here volunteering, at least you are getting paid.” This is a true statement, but one that hurts for several reasons. First of all, yes, this is the pastor’s job, and the way he supports his family. Secondly, you are a volunteer, which means you can step out of your position at any time, for any reason, with relative ease. Finally, consider the fact that the small church pastor especially has to be present at almost every church function, meeting, baptism and service, whereas volunteers have the leisure to pick and choose what they’d like to attend. Even if, as a volunteer, you attend all church activities, remember that it’s your choice to be there. For your pastor, is a requirement of his job.

4. “Boy, you sure are on vacation a lot.” Just because a pastor is not in the pulpit doesn’t mean he’s taking a vacation day. There are many reasons a pastor may not preach: He’s researching a new series, he’s participating or teaching at an educational conference or retreat, or he’s performing an out of town wedding or funeral. Other times he may be present at church while another pastor or missionary gives the message. On these weeks, your pastor doesn’t take a few days to go golfing; instead, these weeks are usually a much needed opportunity to catch up on vision casting, read relevant ministry books that he’s been putting off, or plan for a retreat.

5. “You can afford that, we all know what you make.” There are a lot of reasons you should never say something like this to your pastor. First of all, it’s awkward enough for a pastor’s family to have their salary not only posted in an annual report, but voted on by the congregation. Beyond that, the number in the budget can be misleading. Many churches will include the entire salary package, which could include health insurance, a retirement contribution, or a book or travel allowance. These things should not be included under a general “salary” section as they are misleading as to how much the pastor actually earns. Next, most people don’t know, but pastors are considered self-employed for IRS tax purposes. That means that he has to pay the “employer part” of Social Security and Medicare taxes (he must include his housing allowance in this). So, whatever number is on the budget, chop off 15.3 percent right off the top. Finally, records show that pastors are among the most faithful tithers in the church, and most pastors use a portion of their personal salary beyond their tithe to personally give to needy members of the church or open their home and their refrigerators to serve people.

 

6. “Your kids need to be setting an example.” PKs have enough to overcome without added stress from the congregation. You didn’t hire your pastor’s children, you hired him. Believe me, he already feels the stress of his children’s behavior without you saying anything. If you want to discourage your pastor, pick on his kids.

7. “I don’t trust you.” This can be said in about 100 different ways. It may be in the way the elder board checks up on his calendar, or your response to where he feels the Lord is leading the church. I knew a pastor once whose board required that he submit receipts for pizza he bought every week for the youth group and go through the reimbursement procedure instead of trusting him with a church debit or credit card. It was a small thing, but it said loudly, “I don’t trust you.” If you can trust that God is speaking through your pastor, you also need to be able to trust him in the small stuff.

8. “The Lord told me ___________ about you.” This can be tricky, because it’s difficult to disagree with. God may indeed reveal things to you about your pastor, but especially if it’s critical in nature, it’s usually best to let the Holy Spirit do His own speaking to him. Some people use this tactic in manipulative ways, so many pastors are weary of this.

9. “You need to deal with ______________ (insert difficult person’s name here).” No, YOU need to deal with this difficult person! Pastors often get “dumped on” to sort out interpersonal or family issues that frankly he has nothing to do with. Group counseling is one thing, but asking your pastor to go visit the disgruntled person that you offended is a stress for him, and robs you of the opportunity to seek personal reconciliation.

10. “Why doesn’t your wife attend ______________ (church function)?” Pastor’s wives are notoriously absent at women’s Bible studies, work days and retreats. There are many very legitimate reasons your pastor’s wife could be MIA, but again, you didn’t hire your pastor’s wife, you hired your pastor. She should be free to attend or not attend church functions based on preference, not obligation. And if she doesn’t come to anything, yes, there is a reason, and there probably is a problem.

 

 

Summer Stevens, a devoted pastor’s wife. After 8 years of marriage and ministry, these are the top 10 discouraging statements she has observed that are sure to discourage and devalue your pastor.