A friend and I have been known to run an experiment. When
attending a different church, she leaves me alone in the foyer (to go to the
bathroom or something) and we see if anyone will talk to me.
It’s damaging to
my pride, self-esteem and sense of confidence in my personal hygiene to report
that – more often than not – when she returns, I’m standing where she left me
feeling forlorn and having had no interactions with others.
As someone who leads in a church and desires that our
environments be welcoming and inclusive for all – I run this experiment not
just as a test of the church I’m visiting but to remember for myself what
it feels like. To experience that awkwardness of trying to posture
myself to look open to conversations or interactions without making a fool of
myself. And as bad as it feels, I remember that my experiment is only partly
accurate because I’m a visitor. Others coming into churches come because they
are looking to find Jesus! Some come because they are desperately seeking a
place of connection and belonging – of home. While I’m only there for one
night. So much more is at stake for them.
Whilst I have received feedback from people who have felt a
little ignored or adrift in our church, it’s more likely that those who feel
this most poignantly haven’t stayed around to tell anyone – they’ve
just left. You may relate to this experience in your own church environment.
You look around and others are deeply engrossed in conversations and excited
interactions and you wonder why you’re not included.
The reason people at church might not talk to you is
because they are exactly like you!
They are uncomfortable talking to
strangers. As an outgoing, verbal, extrovert I am
uncomfortable talking to strangers! Most people are! People don’t talk to you
because, just like you, they are unsettled about talking to people they don’t
know. How awkward will this be? What if we have nothing in common? What if I
inadvertently offend or upset them with what I say? What if they don’t want to
talk to me!? EVERYONE is processing these same questions.
They are comforted by their own friends. There’s
safety and security in the knowledge of their connection to their group of
friends. And in fact, they may well be worried that if they don’t speak
to these people no one else will speak to them and so
they don’t leave the circle for fear of feeling that isolation. We are all
creatures of comfort and security. Stepping away from the known and into the
unknown requires a bravery that we don’t always manage to summon.
Someone once said to me “I never realized how cliquey
people were until all my friends were away one week and no one spoke to
me.” She didn’t even realize the irony of what she was saying. She only
noticed that everyone else stuck to their friends when the friends that she stuck
to weren’t around.
They wrongly assess their social
position. Frequently, the socially insecure assume that
everyone else is socially confident. The quiet and shy ones assume that the
noisy ones are more bold and self-assured (when, often, it is just the same
feelings manifesting in different coping strategies). Those unfamiliar in an
environment assume that everyone else is quite familiar. Those who are more
connected don’t trust their social connections enough to leave them temporarily
to reach out to others.
Ultimately, the human condition is such that we are all
looking for a degree of connectedness and are all at the mercy of one another
to find that place of belonging and welcome. New. Old. Loud. Quiet. No one is
exempt from contributing to the social dynamic of a
community.
*** A common cry. ***
“What if I go up to someone and say – Are you new here?
– and they say – No, I’ve been coming for 3 years.”
OR what if you start your
conversation a different way!?! (Genius, I know!)
“How are you today?” (Revolutionary, but effective.) “Are
those your kids? Have you had a busy week? What’s ahead for you this week? How
will you be spending your afternoon? Have you done the winter pruning of
your fruit trees yet?” (Read – there are lots of other ways to start a question
that don’t need you to guess how long they’ve attended your church!)
Or just a simple, “I don’t think I’ve met you before, I’m
Kim!” might be enough.
The reason people in MY church don’t talk to you is because
people like ME (and you) need to get better at it.
We can do this!
Originally posted by: KIMBERLY SMITH
1 comment:
This could have been us writing today's blog. Since we've been searching for a new church, we've noticed that the largest, mega churches, are all set up with gifts for first time guests, but after that, no one really speaks to you.
The past few Sundays we've been attending a somewhat smaller church (approximately 300) and people knew we were new without asking. They were so friendly and helpful. We think this is going to be "our" church. It really does make a difference if people go out on a limb and start conversations with you, whether it's your first Sunday or you've been there for years.
Thanks for posting this today.
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