Listening
to Our Family and Friends
by
Scott Stoner
It is ironic that sometimes the people we struggle to
listen to are, in fact, the people with whom we are closest. Kate Murphy,
author of the best-selling book, You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and
Why It Matters, tells us that researchers have a name for the difficulty we
have listening to those we know best. It’s called closeness-communication bias.
Closeness-communication bias means that we think we
already know what someone is going to say before they even finish speaking and
so we listen half-heartedly. It is a different kind of judgement as it is not
based on someone being different from us, but because we think we already know
what they would think and say. This type of bias can happen in families, friend
groups, and the work place.
In a recent counseling session, a couple shared a
powerful insight. They described that when they are each with their friends,
they focus on being exceptionally good listeners, asking questions that draw
their friends out, and being genuinely curious about what their friends have to
say. They went on to reflect that they rarely extended that same kind of
openness and attentiveness to each other, and vowed to make a change. Without
using the term, they were recognizing that they had fallen into the rut of
closeness-communication bias.
Sometimes it is hard to listen to the neighbor in our
lives who is far away from us. And sometimes it is even harder to listen to the
neighbor who is the closest of all to us.
Making
It Personal:
What stood out for you in this reflection?
Is there a friend,
family member, or colleague with whom you regularly interact that you want to
listen to with a fresh curiosity and openness?
How might your new
type of listening change that relationship?
Living
Well Through Lent 2021
Copyright
©2021 Scott Stoner.
All
rights reserved.
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