The following was written by Dr. Melissa DeBose Hankins, a psychiatrist, and she gave me permission to share it:
This is what the result of unresolved trauma looks like.
What many of us witnessed during last night’s Academy
Award ceremony between Will Smith and Chris Rock was a TRAUMA RESPONSE.
While I am in no way condoning violence, I think this is
a very public and very important opportunity for us to all understand what a
trauma response can look like.
A trauma response can take many forms (some surprising)
and look like:
Slapping someone for saying “the wrong” thing
Yelling at someone for not doing something “fast enough”
or “up to your standards”
Avoiding or not responding to a boss’s emails about
scheduling an upcoming performance review
“Having to” do everything “perfectly,” otherwise you feel
anxious or unsettled in some way
Yelling at staff or throwing things around your office or
OR when you feel frustrated or have a bad outcome at work
Not setting boundaries around your time and energy
because you’re worried about confrontation and upsetting the other person
Working endless hours without taking time for yourself or
the things and people you enjoy because your job is your primary source and
measure of your own self-worth and value
When a person has experienced trauma (“Big T” trauma or
“Little t”trauma) from their childhood (or, their adulthood), the brain and
body store that traumatic memory in ways such that aspects of that memory can
be re-activated by present-day interactions and situations.
When this happens, the person experiencing this re-activation
is split-second processing (on a subconscious or unconscious level) the current
event through the filter of that past trauma. This means that that person
is, for all meaningful purposes, experiencing things as if they are right back
in that previous circumstance of trauma. As a result, they are reacting
(taking action)—emotionally, physically, and/or verbally—from that place of
trauma.
Those past traumas can be diverse and range from:
Witnessing a parent being physically or verbally abused during
your childhood
You, yourself, experiencing physical, sexual, or verbal
abuse in your childhood or adulthood
Experiencing emotional abuse or neglect as a child
Being harshly reprimanded (this could include being
spoken to by someones with an angry tone and demeanor) or shamed by others as a
child for not doing a task “the right way” or not doing it “well enough”
Being told (and, perhaps, punished) as a child by an
adult caregiver that it’s not polite and/or not acceptable to say “No” when an
adult tells you to do something (including getting hugs from relatives, being
made to attend events with your parents even when it’s clear your parents
really didn’t want to go)
Being called out by a teacher in front of the class for
having the wrong answer and feeling embarrassment and shame
While some of the above may be horrific, and other things
may seem inconsequential, depending on the age of occurrence, the emotional,
mental, and physical resources that person had at that age, as well as any
prior traumas could determine the extent to which that person experienced
trauma. A 2 year-old accidentally wandering into a closet with a door
that shuts behind them that they can’t easily open, plunging them alone in
darkness for 15 minutes before someone finds them is a far different experience
than that of an adult in the same predicament.
In the case of Will Smith, he detailed in his
autobiographical book, “Will,” that he witnessed trauma as a child in the form
of violence at home. In his book he writes:
“When I was nine
years old, I watched my father punch my mother in the side of the head so hard
that she collapsed,” he wrote. “I saw her spit blood. That moment in that
bedroom, probably more than any other moment in my life, has defined who I am.”
“Within everything
that I have done since then — the awards and accolades, the spotlights and
attention, the characters and the laughs — there has been a subtle string of apologies
to my mother for my inaction that day. For failing her in the moment. For
failing to stand up to my father. For being a coward.”
So, while the “joke” Chris Rock said was about Will’s
wife, the fact that she was being targeted in combination with the look on her
face (signaling to Will her level of upset and distress about what was said),
triggered a split-second accessing of (and instantly being placed inside of
that) memory to an earlier time when he was 9yo and wasn’t able to protect his
mom (the woman he loved).
Will’s reaction last night was that of that 9yo
traumatized little boy who simply reacted in the way that 9yo boy wanted to
react back then.
Does having a history of trauma (big or little) give a
“free pass” for the present-day trauma reactions that involve the harming
(physically, verbally, or emotionally) of another? No, of course not.
However, it does highlight the extreme importance of
understanding trauma and it’s many manifestations, and addressing it with
effective trauma-informed approaches that address the emotional, physical
(because we hold emotions in our body), and mental aspects of trauma.
Hopefully, rather than simply vilify Will, and say he has
“an anger problem,” people close to him can help him recognize that this is “A
TRAUMA PROBLEM,” and help him get the trauma-informed help in the form of
therapy in combination with modalities as EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques, or
“tapping”), EMDR, or other somatic modalities that can effectively and
efficiently release the traumatized aspects held in his memory and body.
Once his trauma and his emotions are no longer dictating
his actions, he could have a much more measured and effective response to
situations such as that that occurred at last night awards ceremony.
My further hope is that if anyone reading this finds that
they are stuck in patterns of extreme reaction (such as Will experienced), or
even less severe reactions, but you recognize are getting in the way of you
living life the way you really want, please consider getting trauma-informed
support.
Even if you’ve not experienced “Big T” trauma, ALL of us
have experienced various “little T” traumas that have impacted each of us in
various ways personally and/or professionally—some with mild behaviors and
impacts, some not so mild.
As physicians, we are masterful at suppressing so many of
our emotions, and the thoughts and memories associated with them.
However, trauma has a way of impacting us in great big obvious ways (as
we saw with Will Smith), and not such obvious ways (perfectionism, workaholism,
lack of boundaries).
I’m not suggesting any of us go unearthing swaths of past
trauma (please don’t do this unless you are working with a trauma-informed
individual).
Simply be aware that it may be impacting you in ways you
recognize and have yet to address, or in ways you never quite thought of as
being associated with trauma. And, if needed, allow yourself to get the
support you need by working with a trauma-informed therapist, trauma-informed
coach, or other trauma-informed practitioner/modality.
Now published by KevinMD.com CLICK: HERE
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