Friday Funnies: CHURCH FOOTBALL PHRASES

In a never-ending effort to 

attract the unchurched, some

 churches have considered

 translating their unfamiliar

 terminology into familiar 

football phrases.

BLITZ-The strategic play that takes place two seconds after closing prayer as everyone rushes for their favorite restaurant.

BLOCKING-Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.

COACH-The children's Christmas program director.

ASSISTANT COACH-Every mother who has a kid in the children's Christmas program.

COMMERCIAL-Announcements.

DRAFT CHOICE-The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.

DRAW PLAY-What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.

END ZONE-The pews.

EXTRA POINT-What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.

FIRST QUARTER-What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it looks like they are giving.

FOURTH QUARTER-The amount that makes up the dollar most people put into the Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more.

HAIL MARY-Desperate move made by ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get people to put something in the plate.

HALFTIME-The period between Sunday school and worship when many choose to leave.

HOLDING-Passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.

ILLEGAL CONTACT-What gets some church leaders into trouble and out of the ministry…

ILLEGAL MOTION-Leaving before the benediction.

INTERFERENCE-Talking during the organ prelude.

OFFSIDES-When an orchestra member accidentally walks into the choir room.

PASS INTERFERENCE-A parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.

QUARTERBACK SNEAK-How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction.

RAIN DELAY-Baptism

RED DOG-Common strategy performed each Sunday by those who own their own private pew.

SUDDEN DEATH-The penalty to the pastor who preaches more than twenty minutes.

TACKLE-What takes place to the only eligible bachelor at the thirty five-and-over singles enrichment retreat.

TIMEOUT-Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING-The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT-Usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.

BENCHWARMER - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or do anything but sit.

BACKFIELD-IN-MOTION - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

STAYING IN THE POCKET - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

INSTANT REPLAY - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

TRAP - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

END RUN - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

FLEX DEFENSE - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

HALFBACK OPTION - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the next Sunday service.