7 Clean But Hilarious Church Jokes

7 Clean But Hilarious Church Jokes

By:  Michael Krauszer

Everybody loves a good laugh. Proverbs 17:22 even declares that “a joyful heart is good medicine.” 

Other Scriptures speak of its power, and I’m certain that you have experienced it in your own life. It seems that, even in times of great turmoil and strife, there’s something about laughter that can restore the soul and provide some much needed rest from any of our stress and pain. 

Unfortunately, many jokes nowadays are quite inappropriate and distasteful. In fact, the vast majority of popular comedians and comedy genre movies are full of that type of humor. It’s often sexual, full of foul language, and relies on demeaning other people in order to get a laugh. With much of it, it goes strictly against what the Bible tells us our speech should be like. But, despite all of this and regardless of popular opinion, there are clean jokes that are very funny.

Here are 7 clean but hilarious church jokes. Let’s enjoy some laughter! Warning: some jokes may be very corny, but that can cause even more laughter. And, don’t forget to leave your own clean joke in a comment below!

1. Wedding joke in a church

A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time. While in the church, the girl asked her mother: “why is the bride dressed in white?” The mother replied to the girl: “because white is the color of happiness and it’s the happiest day of her life today.”

After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says: “But, then why is the groom wearing black?”

2. Marriage and Coffee

Shortly after tying the knot, a young married couple started arguing over who should make the coffee. Being a good Christian woman, the wife went to the scriptures for her answer. She said that the Bible specifically stated that men should be the ones to make the coffee.

Puzzled, the husband asked her where in the Bible it said that. Very confidently, the wife opened up her Bible and said: “It’s right here—HEBREWS.”

3. Solomon Joke

Where was Solomon’s temple located? – On the side of his head. Duh!

By the way, I did warn you and said some are very corny!

4. Adam & Eve

After having children, Adam and Eve started getting a lot of questions from their kids about why they no longer lived in Eden. Adam has a simple answer for this: “Your mother ate us out of house and home.”

5. The Sunday School Lesson

During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings. The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adam’s ribs. Later on in the week, the boy’s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong. His reply was priceless: “Mom, I have a pain in my side—I think I’m getting a wife.”

6. Boaz joke

What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? Answer: He was Ruthless. (side note: this one is my favorite!)

7. The Kindergartner

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom as the children drew pictures. The teacher would occasionally walk around and see each child’s artwork. As she approached one little girl who was working especially hard, she asked what the drawing was.

The little girl told her: “I’m drawing God!”

“But sweetly,” the teacher replied, “no one actually knows what God looks like.” Automatically, the little girl continued drawing and said “well, they certainly will in a minute!”

Conclusion

There are many clean jokes out there, including ones based on the Bible, Christianity, and Jesus. We don’t need to go to the world to get jokes, especially since they are often full of sexual and demeaning content. Instead, Christians should be the one coming up with alternative jokes and materials that are clean, yet still funny. Believe it or not, there are even some pretty popular comedians out there who are completely clean and family friendly.

So, do you know any clean jokes? Please spread the laughter and include the jokes you know (clean ones, obviously!) in a comment below.

Let’s get laughing!

Much will be required

"Much will be required from everyone to whom much has been given." 

                                -- Luke 12:48 ISV

"There is not one saint in the Old Testament who received a fraction as much as you have in Jesus Christ.  Yet, we act as if all God wants from us is 'Oh, Hi Lord', then we go about our way.  And we count millions of converts who have done nothing more than salute the Lord and continue in their wicked ways."

-- Richard Owen Roberts

Writing My Life Story - Pt 1 Deciding to START

    Pastor Rick Hudgens                                                             June 28, 2015

MY STORY   Pt.1

I DECIDED TO START

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith…                                                                                        Hebrews 12:2

I DECIDED TO:

 START

STOP

STAY

 GO

Example:  Daniel

 At this, the administrators and the satraps tried to find grounds for charges against Daniel in his conduct of government affairs, but they were unable to do so. They could find no corruption in him, because he was trustworthy and neither corrupt nor negligent.  Finally these men said, “We will never find any basis for charges against this man Daniel unless it has something to do with the law of his God.”                                                                     Daniel 6:4-5

Now when Daniel learned that the decree had been published, he

 went home to his upstairs room where the windows opened toward Jerusalem. Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before.                                             Daniel 6:10

    WHAT DOES GOD WANT YOU  TO WANT

5 or 10 years from now—

What story does God want you to tell?

             WHAT DO YOU NEED TO START ?

Meanwhile a prophet came to Ahab king of Israel and announced, "This is what the Lord says: 'Do you see this vast army? I will give it into your hand today, and then you will know that I am the Lord.'"

"But who will do this?" asked Ahab. The prophet replied,"This is what the Lord says: 'The young officers of the provincial commanders will do it.'"                   "And who will start the battle?" he asked.                                                      The prophet answered, "You will."                                 1 Kings 20:13-14

           I WILL DO TODAY WHAT I CAN DO, TO ENABLE ME TO DO                                 TOMORROW WHAT I CANNOT DO TODAY.

For Ezra had devoted himself to the study and observance of the Law of the Lord, and to teaching its decrees and laws in Israel.                     Ezra 7:10

Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him.                                                                                   Luke 22:39 

Here is an example of what it means to make a decision to start: 




We celebrate with Melissa and Dustin!

Preparing for worship on June 28 2015

My heart is overflowing with praise to our Lord for a wonderful District  Assembly!  On Friday morning I went to the altar and cried out to the Lord and experienced a spiritual break through!  I will not speak about it - but you may see it in my life! 

As we gather tomorrow at North Raleigh Church of the Nazarene we will bring our food for the Annual Picnic Lunch following worship. Sharron and I will be going to the church today to clean on the cleaning team - then Sharron will be preparing a delicious Taco Salad; her famous baked beans (with three types of beans and bacon) and a surprise dish she will be baking.  Come to church ready for a n awesome day! 

Here is the planned order of worship for tomorrow:

Following the five minute countdown clip - we will stand and begin to sing our praise unto the Lord in a loud voice!

The version we will sing is arranged by George Williamson 

We will gather around the tables in the worship center.  Today we take an extended time to pray and cry out to God for His presence and His glory to fall upon us! 

We conclude out time of prayer with a declaration together in song:

We continue in worship by presenting unto God a portion that He has given unto us.   We need a great offering on Sundays to meet our growing deficit from an extremely low offering last week.   Let us be generous today as we give. 

Today we begin a new four part teaching series.  Everyone has a story! Positive stories you’re proud to tell.  Others you’d rather not.

Seemingly small, insignificant decisions result in life altering directions.

 Decisions you make today determine the story you’ll tell tomorrow. How do we live the story we want to tell? Live a story worth telling? Let God help write your story!

 On this day of fun and fellowship the first message is about deciding what to start. 

This is the day the Lord hath made!

This morning in my time alone with God I quoted Psalm 118:24: “This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it!”  

I do this especially on days when there are major challenges before me.

This simple little practice, is like hitting a spiritual/emotional reset button, and has proven to be a helpful “faith lift."

THIS IS THE DAY -- It reminds me that today really counts. In fact, it’s the only day I have.  I don’t have yesterday. It’s already gone. There’s no guarantee about tomorrow. But I do have this golden opportunity called today! It’s important to treasure and make the most of it!

John Wesley encourages us to “redeem the time, for that’s the stuff life is made of!” Moments are precious. Every breath we take is a special gift.

This is the day to live! Some folks live in the memories of the past. Others live in the anticipation and fear of the future. But, we are called to live today!

Make it count! Make it count!

THE LORD HAS MADE -- I realize that I’m not in charge.

A guaranteed way to be miserable is to try to control outcomes. We have no control over much of what happens in life, and we certainly can’t control other people or their decisions. The only thing we can control is how we respond to the situations we encounter.

If our happiness depends on what somebody else does (or doesn't do), we’re automatically doomed to unhappiness.. Nobody – let me repeat that – nobody – will always do what makes you happy. Nobody can fulfills every expectation!

Even God doesn't fulfill every expectation. I've talked with several people who are mad at God because He didn't do what they wanted.

But, the point is simple. We’re not in charge! We don’t have to control it! The Lord made it – so He can handle it however He sees fit. What right do we have to think we can boss the Creator of the universe around? Our job is to simply trust God and not manipulate.

I WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD -- This is an attitude issue.

No matter what happens, I am going to look for a blessing. I’ll look for something to be thankful for.

Even in the worst circumstances, I still can rejoice and be glad. That’s because joy and gladness do not come from external experiences – but rather from the heart. My position in life is not nearly as important as my disposition!

You have probably shared this common experience. To be at a public event and see families enjoying the time together – then you see that family that constantly quarrels and argues.  It becomes uncomfortable for many people around them. There are times I catch myself from judging, then, I realized that sometimes I act just like them.  I, too, get frustrated and upset, forgetting to enjoy the blessings around me. I shouldn't judge them, when I’m guilty of the same thing.

Humbled, I walked away, with a renewed commitment to live Psalm 118:24 throughout the day, rather than just saying it in the morning.

The moment of a first salute - a rite of passage...

Whether we become a marine or graduate from high school or college, starting something new is a special occasion. But for every commissioned officer, this becomes even more important when they have to give their “first salute.”

Since they only get one first, this is a very special tradition especially for families with generations of military service.

So after the hard and tough weeks of boot camp, push up after push up and tolerating tough conditions, the moment is finally here for them to take the next step in their military career.

When the commissioned marine is granted their first salute, they are no longer a citizen. They are officially a Marine.

The first salute is as symbolic as it is practical. So when this young Marine faces her grandfather and he offers her the First salute, everyone erupts in an emotional response once the moment is through.

Watch as retired Staff Sargent James Williams offers the first salute to his granddaughter, 2^ndLieutenant Charlotte Williams. He is asking the higher ranking office for a very specific request. Something that you don’t hear in the military very often.

Listen closely at the 18-second mark. Because what Staff Sargent Williams asks his 2^ndLieutenant granddaughter for will absolutely melt your heart. I did mine.

“Sargent Williams requests permission, ma’am, to hug his granddaughter, 2^nd Lieutenant Charlotte Williams.”

“Permission granted,” his granddaughter responds. Wow, how heartwarming!

Mission Advance Conference begins this evening!

The Wednesday Evening Prayer Encounter at North Raleigh Church of the Nazarene is being held at the Mission Advance Conference this evening. 

 You are invited to join us for the message beginning at 7:00pm! 

Our World is changing

Our World is changing: 

Caitlyn Jenner (born William Bruce Jenner, October 28, 1949), known as Bruce Jenner until 2015, is an American television personality and former track and field athlete.

A former college football player, Jenner came to international attention as a decathlete, winning the gold medal in the men’s decathlon event at the 1976 Summer Olympics in Montreal, setting a world record not beaten until 1980. 

With the unofficial title of "world's greatest athlete" for the Olympic decathlon win, Jenner became "an American hero" by winning an event dominated by Soviet Union athletes during the Cold War. 

 Endorsement and appearance opportunities flowed in and Jenner's "likeness became a nationwide brand" in advertising, movies and TV shows including several made-for-TV movies, and was briefly Erik Estrada's replacement on the TV series CHiPs.

Jenner was married for 23 years to Kris Jenner (née Houghton; formerly Kardashian); the couple and their children appeared beginning in 2007 on the television reality series Keeping Up with the Kardashians. 

Following their divorce in 2015, Jenner came out as a trans woman. 

In June 2015, at age 67, Bruce Jenner announced a name change to Caitlyn Jenner, and began publicly making self-reference with feminine pronouns. Many news sources describe her as the most famous openly transgender person in the world.

10 Lessons Leaders Can Take From Bad Days

10 Lessons Leaders Can Take From Bad Days:

As leaders, we all have bad days. Days when nothing goes right and everything we touch goes sour. All leaders have been there. You simply cannot be a leader and not have bad days. The question then becomes what can we learn from the days we wish would simply just end. The following are 10 Lessons Leaders Can Take From Bad Days:

Bad days are normal. You are not alone. We have all been there. Many reading this post are there right now.

2       Bad days remind you the task is not easy and never will be. If you read the Bible from cover to cover, you will not find an instance where God ever called a leader to an easy task.

3.   Bad days remind us we are leaders. It sounds counter-intuitive, but it is true. If you feel you are constantly being kicked in the backside, it simply means you are out front leading.

4.   Bad days are why leadership is desperately needed. It is when things are difficult or unclear that leaders are desperately needed. Leaders are the ones who help individuals navigate these times.

5.   Bad days are times for personal development. Sometimes events take place as a result of our actions or poor decisions. We need to accept the consequences, learn from them and improve.

6.   Bad days will eventually come to an end. All storms have one thing in common—they end. Every day, whether good or bad, comes to an end. Tomorrow is a new day and the sun will rise again.

7.   Bad days need to be compartmentalized. If you have a bad day at the office, it should not affect your home. Your home should be a sanctuary.

8.   Bad days remind us about the importance of priorities. My personal relationship with Jesus Christ and my family are the two most important things in my life. They will love me when it seems no one else does.

9.   Bad days are neutralized with solitude. As leaders, tough times force us to step back, get alone, find a quiet place and gain a proper perspective of the situations we are facing.

      Bad days can be a gift. As leaders, difficult people and situations force us to press into Jesus and trust Him for our next steps. It is these times that bring deeper intimacy with the One who loves us most.

I hope this post encourages you. Leadership is a wonderful, marvelous thing. It has incredible perks but also comes with an incredible price. When you are paying the price of a bad day, pull out this list and look at the bigger picture. You are being shaped into the leader you were meant to be.

More from Brian Dodd

Happy Father's Day 2015 - The final message in the AD teaching series

TODAY is Father's Day 2015.  I want to begin my post by saying 
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!  

Here is a message from AD the Bible Continues:





Here is the tribute clip we shared for the dads today!

Preparing for an awesome Father's Day at NRN!

As we gather tomorrow for worship at North Raleigh Church of the Nazarene we plan to honor all the Fathers present and I will conclude the teachings series in AD: The Risen Jesus and His First Followers.  It will be a great day of worship and celebration!  Plan now to join us and as you sign through the songs below   I pray your heart and mind will be drawn into the presence of the Lord and you will begin to worship even before you arrive at church. Each Sunday of this teaching series we have welcomed first time guest.  I hope that today we will welcome many people to our church!  Here is the order of worship we have prepared:

We pause to greet one another and take a moment to honor all the dad's present:

Rev. Franklin Graham Just Delivered The Perfect Message To ‘Caitlyn’ Jenner

Amid the torrent of praise and adoration emanating from the left regarding Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner’s recent gender transition, at least a few Christian leaders are prepared to share a biblical perspective. 

Rev. Franklin Graham cited a passage in 2 Corinthians to illustrate his position in a recent Facebook post.

“In Vanity Fair’s cover story about Bruce Jenner’s gender change,” Franklin wrote, “the author talks as if Bruce and his newly chose identity of ‘Caitlyn’ are two separate people.

He went on to quote Jenner’s son, Burt, who declared: “I have high hopes that Caitlyn is a better person than Bruce.”

Franklin also noted that, in announcing his identity shift, Jenner also expressed regret over mistakes he made as a father. Any suggestion that mere cosmetic changes will restore any of his past regrets, however, is a notion Franklin finds impossible.

“I have news for them,” he wrote “—changing the outside doesn’t change the inside. No man-made modification can fix what’s wrong with the heart. Only God can fix the human heart. If we ask for His forgiveness and accept by faith His Son, Jesus Christ, He will wipe the slate clean.”

It is this type of life change alone, Franklin concluded, through which any real transformation may occur.

“The Bible says,” he wrote, “‘Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.’”

Franklin received overwhelming support from Facebook users, including one woman for whom the topic is especially relevant. She wrote:

Thank you for this post. My son is a declared homosexual & I pray for him every day. When my son first told me he was gay, I wept almost every day as I prayed that God would make him a heterosexual, but then I realized that the heart is where the change begins. My prayer is different today since God revealed this truth to me – the heart is where the change begins. Please keep my son in your prayers.

 Here is the actual Facebook posting from June 2, 2015:

In Vanity Fair’s cover story about Bruce Jenner’s gender change, the author talks as if Bruce and his newly chosen identity of “Caitlyn” are two separate people. Bruce’s son Burt said, “I have high hopes that Caitlyn is a better person than Bruce.” The article also says Jenner openly acknowledges mistakes made with his children as Bruce, “and expresses genuine regret.” I have news for them—changing the outside doesn’t change the inside. No man-made modification can fix what’s wrong with the heart. Only God can fix the human heart. If we ask for His forgiveness and accept by faith His Son, Jesus Christ, He will wipe the slate clean. The Bible says, “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new”                                                                                    (2 Corinthians 5:17).

Do you agree with Rev. Franklin’s assessment?

Share your thoughts in the comments section below.

First Day of Ramadan for Muslims - Do we love them?

Today is the first day of Ramadan for the Muslim faith.  Ramadan is the month in which Muslims must fast from dawn to sunset, this is partially meant to feel like the poor people, when they go without food or water. 



Therefore Muslims fast by denying themselves both food and drink. However, children below the age of 12, sick patients, travelers, and women who are menstruating or nursing a baby are exempt from fasting. In 1975, Allan Cott in his "Fasting as a Way of life" noted that "fasting brings a wholesome physiological rest for the digestive tract and central nervous system and normalizes metabolism."

People have long talked about the idea that “all religions are basically saying the same thing.” 

Today I thought it appropriate to examine that idea a little more closely when it comes to Christians and Muslims. Muslims mention Jesus and claim to revere him, so we ask the question, “Do Muslims believe in Jesus?”

In order to answer that question, we’re going to be looking at some of the key differences between Muslim and Christian belief. I realize that nine points are a lot for a blog post and, to be honest, I wanted to cut it down some, but each of these ideas is so basic and so important that we really need to try to cover them all.

Nine Fundamental Differences In Muslim and Christian Beliefs: 

     (Sermon shared by Jim Butcher)

1. CHRISTIAN: The Bible is God’s Word.
        VS.
    MUSLIM: The Quran is God’s Word.

- We as Christians believe that the Bible - Old and New Testament - is our authoritative Word for God.

- Muslims believe that the Torah of Moses, the Psalms of David, and the Gospel of Jesus (while being on their list of holy books) have been corrupted by Christians and Jews to the point where they are not fully reliable. The Quran is God’s most recent and final work - it supercedes all others.


2. CHRISTIAN: Jesus is the Son of God.
         VS.
     MUSLIM: Jesus is one of the prophets.

- Christian belief is plainly stated in John 10:30 - Jesus said, “I and the Father are one.”

- Conversely, Muslims believe that Jesus is a prophet like Ezekiel or Daniel, but not as important a prophet as Muhammad.

- In fact, the very idea that God had a son is repugnant to Muslims. The Quran states in Surah 4:17 - “Jesus. . . was only a messenger of Allah. . . Far is it removed from His transcendent majesty that He should have a son.” For Muslims, being a son is a pampered and privileged position, not a role associated with being a servant or enduring a cross.


3. CHRISTIAN: Jesus died on the cross.
          VS.
     MUSLIM: Jesus did not die on the cross.

- V. 5 of our passage this morning alludes (“dead in trespasses. . .alive together with Christ”) to the essential Christian belief that Jesus died on the cross. In fact, that’s about as essential as you
can get when you’re talking Christian beliefs.

- Muslims believe, however, that Jesus was condemned to die on the cross, but was not crucified. The Quran states in Surah 4:155 - “they did not slay him, neither crucified him, only a likeness of that was shown to them.” Many Muslims believe that Judas was crucified in Jesus’ place and that Jesus went straight to heaven. The Muslim view is that if He died, He failed.


4. CHRISTIAN: God is the source of good.
       VS.
    MUSLIM: Allah is the source of good and evil.

- Muslims believe that Allah is the source of good and evil and that his will is supreme. Allah is capricious - whatever he does is right simply because he did it, no matter what the ethics of it. Therefore, there is a strong sense of fatalism and predestination - Allah is absolute will and we are all just puppets.

- The Quran states in Surah 37:94 - “All other things are passive. Allah alone is active.”

- One can easily see where the idea that there are no ethical boundaries within which God will remain could quickly lead down a path toward justifying the actions we saw on September 11.


5. CHRISTIAN: God is love.
        VS.
    MUSLIM: Love is not used to describe Allah.

- V. 4 of our passage clearly shares the love of God.

- Allah’s supreme attribute is justice, not love. Actually, love is almost never used to describe Allah in the Quran.


6. CHRISTIAN: God is our Father.
           VS.
     MUSLIM: It is blasphemous to call Allah “Father.”

- In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus invited us to pray with the affectionate title “Father.”

- For Muslims, the underlying issue is that Allah is unknowable. You cannot really know him; the best you can hope for is to identify his actions.

- Allah is not affected by our actions or attitudes. Conversely, the Bible teaches that our Father created us specifically for a relationship.


7. CHRISTIAN: Humans are inherently sinful.
         VS.
       MUSLIM: There is no original sin.

- V. 1 of Ephesians 2 explains our situation when it comes to sin.

- Muslims believe that Adam and Eve sinned, but they repented and were restored. They believe that no permanent consequences came from their actions. Therefore, because no one is lost, there is no need for a Savior.


8. CHRISTIAN: Salvation comes by grace.
        VS.
     MUSLIM: Salvation comes by works.

- Verses 8-9 of our passage are about as clear as you can get on how someone is saved.

- Muslims, on the other hand, pursue heaven by following the five pillars of Islam: 

a. the Creed (Kalima) - “There is no God but Allah, and Muhammad is the Prophet of Allah.” You state this publicly in order to become a Muslim and it is repeated regularly by believers.

b. Prayer (Salat) - You must pray five times a day (upon rising, at noon, in the middle of the
afternoon, after sunset, and before going to sleep) in Arabic while facing Mecca.

c. Almsgiving (Zakat) - All Muslims are to give one-fortieth of their income for the poor.

d. Fasting (Ramadan) - You are to eat no food from sunup to sundown during the holy month of Ramadan.

e. the Pilgrimage (Hajj) - A Muslim is expected to make a pilgrimage to Mecca at least once in their life.

- By faithfully living out the five pillars, Muslims work toward heaven.

9. CHRISTIAN: Religious violence violates Jesus’ teaching.
         VS.
      MUSLIM: Religious violence fulfills Muhammad’s teaching.

- Some Muslims teach that the sixth pillar of Islam is Jihad - Holy War against unbelievers.

- The Quran is clear on the place of religious violence: 

Surah 9:5 - “Fight and slay the pagans whenever ye find them.”
Surah 9:29 - “Fight those who believe not in God nor the Last Day.”

- Chuck Colson has commented, “The truth is bin Laden and his followers did not hijack Islam; they simply took it seriously.”

Conclusion:

- I hope I’ve demonstrated today that even though many folks will say, “All religions teach the same things,” that actually couldn’t be further from the truth. What Muslims and Christians believe is not basically the same with one degree of separation. What Muslims and Christians believe are diametrically opposed to each other.

- The question for us today is: What do we believe is true?