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| Photo source: istock |
Have you ever visited
“The Second Friendliest Church in
Town?”
Neither have I.
Yet, when I reflect back on all the churches I have visited
or consulted over the years, I have a hard time recalling any of them that were
genuinely friendly to “the other.”
The vast majority of churches name ‘friendliness’ as one of
their top strengths. Smaller churches—which are the majority in America—are
like families. Unless there’s open conflict, members have warm feelings toward
one another.
But the abysmal rate at which visitors become affiliates
indicates that warmth is reserved for those who are already part of the family.
Those on the outside often see something different. Visitors may experience a
sort of formal or programmed warmth when they cross the threshold. The
neighboring community often sees indifference.
The indifferent church shows little concern for the plight
of unbelievers in their community. Empathy and compassion are doled out to
those within but withheld from those without. I’ve learned that an indifferent
church is easy to spot. They are:
- Self-focused
- Low
energy and lacking spiritual passion
- Intolerant
of cultural differences
- Resistant
to creativity, innovation, and change
- Passive-aggressive
toward congregational leadership
- Focused
on the past and resentful of the future
- Out
of alignment—espoused values are not expressed in action
Warming the indifferent church
Indifferent churches can be warmed. When the pastor teaches
the practices of gratitude, congregants also develop empathy and compassion.
People with a strong disposition toward gratitude have the capacity to be
empathetic and to take the perspectives of others. They are rated as more
generous and more helpful by people in their social networks.
Gratitude is the emotional response we feel when we recognize
that we have been blessed in some way by someone else. Empathy is personally
experiencing and understanding the feelings and views of others. It is
essential in order to accurately respond to the needs of others.
Compassion is the enduring expression of altruism, care,
and concern for the well-being of those on the outside, motivated by their
suffering and needs. It doesn’t expect reciprocity; it is freely given without
thought of return.
Gratitude training
If you are leading an indifferent church (see the list of
traits above), you can warm the church toward guests and outsiders by teaching
gratitude.
It is hard to pinpoint the effects of gratitude training in
the church. This is due to the fact that church members may experience
gratitude in a variety of ways as part of normal church life: testimonies of
others, close spiritual relationships, and even singing during worship may
create moments of intense gratefulness.
The key is to develop a disciplined approach so that
gratitude is continually cultivated. This leads to greater experiences of
gratitude, and in time empathy toward and compassion for those outside the
group are born. One especially powerful practice is the “gratitude letter to
God.”
The “gratitude letter”
This is based on Seligman’s “Gratitude Visit,” a way to
experience gratitude by writing a letter to someone who has blessed your
life. Once the letter has been written, deliver it in person.
The Christian’s highest experience of gratitude is a
response to God’s love. First
John 4:19, “We love because he first loved us,” connects God’s love to
the full spectrum of loving emotions (1 John
4:7ff).
When we ponder the ways God blesses us, we feel gratitude.
This nurtures our ability to love, to empathize with, and to express compassion
towards others. Getting in touch with the fact that we are undeserving
beneficiaries of God’s love opens our hearts to others who are also recipients
of God’s grace.
This is why grateful congregations are loving
congregations. Their empathy and compassion aren’t focused inward or confined
to “the family.” Their warmth toward guests and people in the community are
genuine. That warmth is engaging and attractive.
Application
Warm that indifferent congregation, pastor, by teaching
them to practice gratitude.
- Preach texts about God’s love for us (e.g., John 3:16, Romans 5:18, John 14:3 and others).
- Teach
them how to meditate on these texts.
- Ask
everyone to write their gratitude letters about the many ways they
experience God’s love.
- Have
people read their gratitude letters in small group meetings, Sunday
school, when they gather for fellowship and perhaps even during Sunday
worship services.
- Model
gratitude with sermon illustrations and anecdotes, in official business
meetings and when you visit members of the congregation
The indifferent congregation feels very little if any
empathy or compassion for people in their community. They might feel for one
another, but not they will not be extended toward those who aren’t already on
the inside.
Reconnect them with the love of God, which naturally leads
them to love others. In time, that indifferent congregation will be
legitimately and deservedly known as “the friendliest church in town.”
An experienced ministry leader, writer and educator, Bud Brown is co-founder of Turnaround Pastors and co-author of the ground-breaking Pastor Unique: Becoming A Turnaround Leader. He is a change leader in many venues — small rural, upscale suburban and mega-sized churches. He brings special expertise to change leadership in the local church, mentoring pastors to become revitalization leaders, training churches how to find and recruit the best talent, and training leadership teams how to achieve their shared goals. Bud also trains pastors in conferences, workshops and coaching sessions.
