Long post but very important. This past week I celebrated 25 years of marriage. It’s has been quite the journey for David and I.
I had someone write me yesterday and she stated, “My marriage could never be as good as yours.” My response to her was… “yes it can. Anyone’s marriage can be like ours.”
So I felt led to explain what we’ve learned our 25 years married and the secrets to our wonderful love filled marriage.
1. We keep Christ first in our marriage. We worship together. Study His word together and make sure that God is at the center of our marriage, our plans, our goals, etc etc.
2. We never quit. Walking away was never an option. We’ve told each other that time and time again. It may take us a while to figure things out, but we will work at it until we do.
3. We let go of the petty things. Some things just aren’t worth arguing about. Seriously, we spent way too much time and energy on stupid stuff. We fought so much our first few years married, we couldn’t see the light at the end of our marriage tunnel.
4. We forgive and give a lot of GRACE. Apologizing, even when we are not at fault. You don’t have to always prove your point. Just forgive and move on from the moment. Just stop it!
5. We kept pushing through, even when the love appeared to be gone. Love is not about feelings, it’s all about commitment. I will repeat what I said in a different way… LOVE IS NOT A FEELING. It doesn’t come and go. There was a point where there was nothing left for one another, but we went back to #2 on our list and we never quit. Love never quits.
6. We never stopped dating each other. Making time for one another is so important. Please note, your spouse may never become a planner. It’s okay if you are the one making all the plans. I spent way too much time frustrated that my husband never surprised me or lost the romance. He wouldn’t take hints. Just keep dating!!! Guess what? He figured it out at some point and plans things now. Which brings me to the next one.
7. Marriage is a growing process. We don’t have all the answers. We won’t do things right all the time. We forget things and neglect one another and even take each other for granted. Why? Because we are human. But we grow up and we figure things out. Marriage takes time. Give it time.
8. We learned to give each other personal space and support. Self-care is vital. We are individuals with our own dreams, wants and desires. Balance is key here. That doesn’t mean you go away every weekend or leave every evening to do your thing. It means that you find an agreed upon balance.
9. We study one another. We’ve learned each other’s strengths and weakness. We have read books together and taken tests. Tests like: Strength based marriage test, Enneagram test, love languages and more. Learning about one another helps you to understand each other better.
10. We put one another first. Our children are not first in our household! This may come as a huge shock to some of you. You have no idea how many marriages fail because they are arguing about their children. My spouse comes before my children and my children know that.
11. We work as a team. He doesn’t help me and I don’t help him. We work as ONE! Even at dinner. We cook together and if one of us gets home and starts dinner first, the other washes the dishes. We do life together.
12. We talk about everything. Even when we are struggling with temptations. We are each others accountability partner. We keep nothing from one another. Nothing!
13. We’ve cancelled debts. This was a big one. It doesn’t matter how bad we’ve wronged each other. It’s done. It’s over. It’s squashed and should never be brought up again, no matter how upset we get.
14. Arguments are inevitable. You are two opposites, coming as one. So, we learned to fight fair. We try to avoid personal jabs and stick to the facts of the argument. Don’t add stuff or go backwards and speak about past things. Again, see number 13 about cancelling debts.
15. We’ve learned each other’s language. We don’t communicate the same. What I said verses what my spouse heard was an issue for a long time. I may not have meant to offend my spouse but they were offended. So we learned each others trigger words, frustrations, etc. Marriage on the Rock was an incredible study to learn about these things.
16. We took a financial class together. We were polar opposites, even in our finances. We found Financial Peace University and found a common ground we could both agree on. I highly recommend every marriage take this class.
17. We went to counseling! Say what? Counseling? YES. Counseling doesn’t mean your marriage is over. It means you are willing to admit that you don’t have all the answers and you need someone to help you process through things. We had dealt with a lot of tragedy and loss, and there comes a time in life where you need help. It’s okay to get help!
18. We learned to keep out outside voices. Who you talk to and what you tell them can make or break your marriage. Not everyone needs to hear your struggles. If you want to speak to someone, speak to someone who’s been there and done that. Someone who has been married at least 10 years more than you. Don’t speak to anyone who isn’t married.
19. We set boundaries. Boundaries? What does that mean? A simple one for us included, never going out, texting or speaking with someone of the opposite sex. We have friends but we add each other to the conversations. We do this out of respect for each other.
20. We sacrificed for one another. We are selfish humans who want things our own way and for own benefit. But it’s okay to put the other first sometimes and vice versa. Finding balance is key. That means sometimes I go shooting with him and sometimes he goes to a museum with me.
21. The classic don’t go to bed angry… never worked for us. We went to bed angry quite a bit. But I will say this… we never went to bed without praying. Prayer changes things. Pray often. Pray together, pray separately, pray with your children… PRAY!
22. Honest about intimacy. This one is important and hardly ever spoken of. But be real with your spouse about intimacy behind closed doors. If they aren’t pleasing you… tell them. Yes. Tell them. Don’t hold it in and then be upset about it. Them not pleasing you isn’t an excuse for cheating. TELL THEM! They may not have a clue that you have desires. Open honesty about your needs could spice things up and be the change needed in the bedroom.
23. Tomorrow is not promised. Go on those vacations now. Work on the bucket list today. Complement each other daily. Text your spouse you are thinking of them. Say I LOVE YOU a lot. Kiss each other hello and goodbye. Don’t worry about what was or what could be, but take your marriage one day at a time. There have been times in our marriage where we’ve had to take it one minute at time, and it was worth it.
24. We live our marriage out in front of everyone but especially in front of your kids – we let them see us laugh, cry, dance, and live together. We let them see us resolve our conflict in a healthy way, so they can also do the same with their spouse one day.
25. We realized we aren’t perfect. Fairytales are fake. Romance must be worked at. Marriage is hard and can be absolute beautiful if we would stop comparing ourselves to others and just work on what’s right in front of us here and now. My happily ever began the day I realized that a perfect marriage is an illusion. Marriage is not perfect. God gave us each other for a reason, if we just learn and give our marriage time… we can have the marriage of our dreams!!!
Facebook Post by Arlene Berry
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